THE WINE NEWS HEADLINES

Randall Grahm, the man once described affectionately as “crazy as a cup of waltzing mice”, has shocked the world wine community by releasing a Chardonnay in a bottle with a conventional label. “It’s a pastiche not a parody”, he explained helpfully.

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A Californian micro-winery claims that it has created the perfect wine “in the image of God”. Robert Parker was unavailable for comment.

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A computer bug called Phylloxera has attacked all wine web sites across the world resulting in the dramatic loss of no sales whatsoever.

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A restaurant manager in London who marked up a bottle of Cloudy Sauvignon five times the cost of the bottle has apologised. “It was meant to be seven times”, he conceded.

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Industrial caterers and cleaning agencies have been complaining about the quality of grande marque champagnes. “They’re definitely not what they are cracked up to be. They’re just not getting those stubborn stains out.” A spokesman for one of the major champagne houses replied: “We’re very happy with the current product. Any less bottle age and the contents would be too toxic to use in a closed environment”.

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On the subject of sparkling wine Cloudy Bay have released the new deluxe brand “Thesaurus”, as they have run out of superlatives to promote their own products.

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Still in New Zealand, the tourist authorities are evidently keen to cash in on Tolkien-mania and have brought out “The Lord of the Rings” range of wines. The Sauvignon is said to taste of elves’ pee and bilboberries, the Pinot Noir is reminiscent of the stench in the darkest pits of Mordor, whilst the Riesling aromatically resembles a Gollum’s fart in a dragon’s cave.

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Riot control. Research done at Davies University has determined that hoses firing Zinfandel are by far the most effective varietal means of dispersing unruly crowds. Test victims were said to feel a hot burning sensation and an overwhelming nausea. Italian police will still continue to use the more expensive and traditional guns of Amarone.

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After pioneering the Stelvin closure Australian winemakers will be abandoning the conventional glass bottle for a plastic tube with ring-pull facility. “This will be an ergonomic advance of unprecedented proportions. Imagine how many tubes you could stack behind the bar next to the cans of Red Bull.” Reaction amongst the British press was predictably enthusiastic. “Another nail in the coffin for the French wine industry”, chortled one journalist.

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An Argentinian wine maker was found guilty of flavouring his Chardonnay with new oak staves. “It wasn’t the oak planks that the authorities didn’t like”, he confessed, “It was the fact that I forgot to remove the two-toed sloths that were still clinging to them for dear life”.

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A London wine merchant has brought out a revolutionary new wine catalogue with scratch and sniff smells instead of the customary tasting notes for the wines. Unfortunately, on the first print run, the coatings reacted with a chemical compound in the paper and the catalogue was later pronounced to be corked.

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Three fine wine businesses specialising exclusively in en primeur offers were today sold before they set officially themselves up as companies.

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The manager of the restaurant in central London who sold six legendary vintages of Chateau Cheval Blanc to five wealthy businessmen admitted that it was a nerve-wracking but thrilling experience. “At one point I couldn’t glue the labels onto the bottles quickly enough,” he said, adding, “It was better than sex but then I don’t get out much”.

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The Institute of The Crooked Corkscrews have released information on how to apply for their examination. They invite applicants to send their details on the back of a sizeable cheque.

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A freak occurrence at one of the major international trade fairs has led to the inception of a major new brand. As a result of the combination of an overly efficient newly installed isothermic ventilation system and rapidly condensing alcoholic vapours, a wine said to be the aggregate of every open bottle in the exhibition centre was created in a slop bucket. “I like it. I think we could sell this!” enthused the famous supermarket wine buyer, Dr Frankenwine MW.

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The new regulatory quango “Offwine” has been described as a “corking good idea” by the Prime Minister’s official press secretary.

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An Australian clone has just been grafted on to a Burgundian. The result is said to be “painful” even though the recipient was lubricated with vegemite.

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The Canadian-backed transoceanic wine super-tube (wine piped straight to your local supermarket) has once more proved intrinsically flawed when Edna the inebriated humpback whale infiltrated the system and drank Canada dry (again). A Captain Queequeg, veteran of such incidents, growled: “Give me the Horn any day”.

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It’s been called “the blend of blends”. A new English wine called Huxelseyvalreichenthurgau has been invented. The wine is described in a press release by the Association of English Winegrowers as “a real mouthful”.

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Alfred Schniedel has pioneered a glass so sensitive that it can tell when you are pouring the wrong type of wine into it. Schniedel claims that the glass has a symbiotic resonance with the individual molecules of aromas produced by different wines. He elaborates: “My glasses are now so finely attuned they can tell from the sound the cork makes when it is being pulled what grape variety is in the bottle and will automatically shatter if you try to pour the wine into the wrong type of the glass.”

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Californian scientists have finally found the perfect terroir after years of painstaking research. “It’s called France”, one said.

Posted by Doug on 20-Mar-2008. Permalink
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