Vines, Whines and Strines - an Aussie revelation

If Albarino is Savagnin (and will they call it Savvy, and if so, what will they call Sauvignon?), can it be that darling grape of right-minded ockers and sheilas is something quite different. We give a xxxx to find out the truth behind the truth...

After the momentous discovery that Australia’s Albarino vines were, in fact, Savagnin (you would have thought that the deep amber colour of the wine and the fact that it was being sold in 62cl clavelin bottles would have been a distinct clue), authoritative ampelographical research has finally proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the grape long thought to be Chardonnay in Australia is, in fact, a cross between the Gruner Veltliner and Chasselas.

Various theories abound about its origins. One is that it was brought by German pilgrims who got badly lost on the way to Santiago de Compostela. A more likely explanation is that the grape was probably introduced by the confused Swiss sailor Roland X. Replicka and planted in what was then the sub-Alpine climate of downtown Adelaide. The grape vines spread like wild fire, assimilating all indigenous varieties like some viniferous Borg.

The grape, described as having a highly specific terroir identity, picks up its pronounced woody aromatics and oaky flavours from native barrels left in neighbouring fields whose rich vanillins have evidently permeated the soil. The famous gout-a-terroir of the Margaret River derives supposedly from the enormous barrel dumps of Perth which over the years have liquefied and gradually released a substratum of wood into the ground – technically known as the terra ligneum.

“Its lustre shines like owl piss on a crepuscular night, its aromas are pleasing to the dingo and the wombat and in the mouth it has all the delicate timbre of a timber club sandwich,” remarked the famous 19th century bon-viveur and gastronome, Canon Hardy.