Low Ugh-ahol wines

A dealcoholised wine has just been launched in Italy. Called Wine Zero the 0.5% “wine” is made from fermented juice that is then given a full lobotomy in a stainless steel vacuum. Following on from the local Pinot No-Grigio, Rusk-ati and Zero d’Avola this version quite rightly comes from all over the plains of Spain and comes in three colours; pale, utterly transparent and cochineal. There is also a Spanish-American oak-aged red marketed under Oak-a-hola! label.

An advertising campaign called “Fear the mark of Zero” will launch the product. A sequel advert called “From Hero to Zero Point Five” will stress the wisdom of drinking wine that will only make you ill or crazy because its incredibly bad taste.

The wines have been praised for stopping alcohol abuse by Alcohol Awareness pressure group. “Who’s going to abuse alcohol, when you abuse this bat’s piss so easily?” leered a spokesperson.
Said one local commentator: “There is a gap in the Italian market for wines like these and that gap is called the entrance to the town sewer”.