Chateau Butlins

Epicureans and hedonists have been cancelling their holidays abroad in favour of sojourns at Britain’s favourite holiday camp. From now on it will be destination Minehead instead of hola Madrid, bravo Bognor and buenos nocas Barcelona. Punters will be swanning off in their droves to sunny Skeggie rather than slumming it in rain-spattered Sicily and they’ll be keenly checking out the Coats of Red rather than the Cote d’Azur. The reason for the new-found allure of England’s coastal camps is nothing else but a revolutionary new bargain fine wine list devised by a food and beverage (f.a.b.) consultant for Butlin’s.  And prices will definitely not be sky “high-de-high”, campers!

A spokesman for Butlins announced: “We’ve decided to change our offering completely and swapped Lambrini ladies for a Ladoucette culture designed to appeal to families who are not afraid to bare their Alsaces in public. Instead of the Rainforest Adventure you can experience the” Loire of the Jungle” and, instead of X factor rejects singing for your supper, you will be able to listen to the corks-a-popping Rock-Steady Krug or enjoy a 50s theme day where you can Rioja around the clock. And don’t forget the Glamorous Grannie Cru competition, where leading clarets will be paraded before a panel consisting Simon “Cowell’s of Chelsea”, Robert Parker and his incredible farting dog.”

He added: “From now on Butlins will be the go-to place if you like your bubbly jubbly, your Burgundy buttery and your irony free of charge. These are world class wines at katie prices that don’t take the mickey rourke.”

The wine list is characterised by highly humorous tasting notes that describe one Champagne as “like diving into a pool… of battery acid”, whilst a Faustino Reserva Rioja is compared to Roger Moore’s acting being “charming, old-fashioned and completely wooden”.