Actual new stories

Ee – You!

Having proved the existence of God, measured the diameter of the universe, calculated the number of angels that could comfortably perch on the head of a pin and made the Hadron collider work, scientists and politicians were unable to arrive at a binding definition of organic wine last night in the French resort of Vacheville-sur-la-merde. We are still waiting for the manure to hit the fan, said a spokesperson for co-operatives and growers.

Shurely not enough hype?

In hysterical scenes reminiscent of the England-Australia Ashes test match at the Oval in 1882 the raging excitement of the 2009 Bordeaux en primeur campaign has caused members of the wine press to faint en masse having bitten massive chunks out of their blackberries.

Meanwhile Decanter magazine have decided that is the end of wine journalism as we know it and every single headline story must swoon over the various Bordeaux blue chips or the emergent Hong Kong auction markets. Because that is what wine is all about.

A shot in the bark

Californian growers have been given federal funding to fight grapevine moths. Oh, you mean meuths, said Inspector Clouseau of French wine surete, following la crise on twitter.

Glowing with pride

Growers in the Rhone have been rejoicing since they have been given permission to change the name from Coteaux du Tricastin with its connotations of the local nuclear power plant to the more poetic “Ile des Trois Miles”.

Forever blowing bubbles

A news story stating that Farr Vintner’s Stephen Browett has added Crystal Palace to his portfolio has transpired to be a misprint. It was Cristal Palace and he has appointed Glenn Roederer as his chef l’equipe.

Hard Truth

Viagra is a major threat to Champagne according to sane and rational Pierre-Emmanuel Taittinger. Amid quips about stiff opposition and growing threats and moving Taittinger to the town of Condom, Taittinger raised a glass of his non vintage cuvee brut and exclaimed: “This is better than bad sex. But only just.”